Im at strip club and am horny
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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