he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
