I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I'm sobbing to NWA
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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