And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
You have to summon your inner elephant
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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