No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Randomize
