my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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