If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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