Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
