I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
