If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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