Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
