I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
