I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
