so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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