I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Sext me about skeletons
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
