So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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