You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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