well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
