So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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