Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
