Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
