did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
