Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
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