I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Randomize
