I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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