i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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