dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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