just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
