My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
