Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
