First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
