so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
