how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
