Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
