No subtext here. People are naked.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
