you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I will pee on everything he values.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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