If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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