I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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