I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Randomize
