i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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