ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I'm like, not good at living.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
