just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
