All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
