; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I don't deserve a penis
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
