I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
