she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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