Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize
