Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
