I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Are my feet made of real feet?
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Randomize
