I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize