I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
