When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Just high enough for therapy.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
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