the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
