I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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