I hate your face
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Randomize
