we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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